A Mother's Thoughts at a Kindergarten Christmas Play

She is so excited! Her first Kindergarten play, the Christmas play. I've heard about it for weeks now and heard her singing the songs as she plays. Now maybe she's the one who should be nervous, so why do I feel sick? I anxiously await her to take the stage and quietly say a prayer. I don't want her to freeze up. If she does she will be so disappointed. I want everyone else to see the beautiful person I know. Will it ever be time, no disrepect but move it along chorus. I want to see my girl. O'kay, here they come. HOw does she look? Is she o'kay? What is her body language saying to me, her hands? She seems o'kay. Thank goodness! Everyone's on stage, time to begin. What? Is that a smile? Are her lips moving? They are! I think words are coming out;she's singing! She's really doing it! My heart melts and emotions flood my soul. Song over. Shew! Made it through one, looking good. Second song begins. Still happy, still singing. As the songs come and go she seems a little distracted and will stop singing briefly then back on track. Halfway through now and she is squirmming but good. To the unknowing person it seems nothing, but I know she is trying not to flap her hands and it's hard. She's happy, she's overwhelmed. She keeps it together all the way through. Many times my eyes well with tears, my face with smiles and my mind with memories. Not too long ago this would've never happened. So many programs like these at church and preschool have been heartbreaking to watch and sometimes impossible to participate in. I am so proud! What's more is she is so proud! You may say it's just a kindergarten play, what's the big deal? Who's not proud of their kid? Who doesn't want them to do well? I guess everyone does. It is just so different for me, for us. It's a miracle whether you take it for one or not. I know where we've come from. My daughter is autistic. I'm sure you had no idea. Most people don't, but she is. Because of that many special memories like this haven't been a reality. I look at her tonight and think we made it! She made it! We survived but better yet she was awesome! I couldn't be prouder if she had just won president, which she just might so someday if the scientist thing doesn't work out. There are so many things when you look at her you can't see but tonight she let you see a glimpse of her. Not autism, her, because autism is just a small part of who she is. And she is Amazing!

Written after Christmas play 2009 about my daughter, Lilli who is a proud Aspie.