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Family Member Anguished Over Denial About Autism

by Pat on Feb 28, 2009 at 5:28 PM Filed in
I'm at a loss. I feel helpless, sadness and most of all, anger. My cousin has a beautiful little boy who just turned 4 and he is autistic. The problem is my cousin is either in serious denial or just doesn't care. My entire family has known that he is autistic for the past 2-3 years. We begged my cousin to have him tested but she chose not to. In her mind the fact that her child can memorize just about anything even though he can't communicate makes him gifted. We tried explaining to her that if she has him diagnosed before the age of 3 that the state provides a program free of charge where someone will come to her home and work with him to get him prepared for school. She still declined to get him tested. My aunt, his grandmother is an absolutely wonderful woman. During this time that her daugter kept turning a blind eye my aunt began researching autism, attending rallies and speaking to parents with autistic children. I was doing research myself and giving my aunt copies of anything I could find. After a lot of pushing my aunt got my cousin to take him to a neurologist I believe it was. He was diagnosed with autism. Unfortunately it was past the time where they could have had someone come and work with him but at least he was finally diagnosed. Now comes the anger. The neurologist has referred my cousin to a physician who specializes in autism but there is a waiting list and his appointment isn't until June. However, within a month or so of being diagnosed my cousin who was in such denial has had no problem making sure that her son now receives SSI. I wouldn't have a problem with that but just last week the physician who will be seeing him set up an informational meeting for the parents whose children will be her patients. That evening my aunt offered to watch my cousins children (he has an older brother) so that my cousin and her husband could attend the meeting. My aunt got a phone call stating that a friend had stopped by my cousins house and since they had company had decided not to attend the meeting. I'm so angry I don't know what to do. My heart hurts the most for my aunt, she loves My aunt loves him so much and is absolutely beside herself. My apologies for using your website to vent, this is the first time I've really let my feelings out. I don't know if I'm looking for solutions (if there are any) or like I said, juat a place to let my feelings out. Thank You!

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3/9/2009 11:14:06 PM

I can only comment on the information you've given and from my knowledge of being a parent of children with Autism. Denial was my best friend for quite some time. I thought maybe I was going crazy and he would eventually "come out of it". The difference from your story and mine is that no one (family or friends) said anything to me at all. I wish someone had said something to me before me questioning it to them. That would've pushed me to do something earlier. That being said, with diagnosis comes a variety of emotions. I hope I am right in saying that no one feels any more helpless, sadness and anger, than the mother of the child right now. She is going through something that you can't even begin to understand unless you've been there. Loving a cousin is wonderful but no comparison to loving your own flesh and blood and hurting for him. I don't mean that to sound hateful in any way, shape or form. I'm only trying to help you understand what she may dealing with. (Like I said, I really don't know the situation with her.) I would say to you and the rest of the family that might be aggravated with her, love her and support her and let her know you are there for her. She may feel like she's up against the world right now. It's a lonely, lonely road sometimes. Early intervention is said to be best, by almost all pediatricians, for everything, not just Autism. I don't disagree with that, but I do believe there is a time for everything. I'm not sure if you are a religious group of people but please read Ecclesiastes 3. I believe it fits almost any situation. I also believe there is a reason for everything. She was given that beautiful child, chosen by the highest to be his mother. The Lord knew what he was doing. He has faith in her. You guys keep it too. Seems like you are all willing to research and do what it takes to help guide her in this journey. As for the anger take a ball bat to the tree out back, let some of the anger go. The diagnosis is ugly, mean and unfair but y'all all have been blessed with God's precious gift. Hope you feel a little better now. Vent any time you need too, that helps too.

Tassy Tomlin

1/23/2011 9:59:47 PM

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