I am originally from California. I met and married the man that in my heart is my soul mate. He never wanted kids, but I did and at 32 (he was 40), God gave me my wish. I was in therapy and I could remember saying to my therapist, I can't take care of myself, how am I ever going to take care of a baby? But I was excited and couldn't wait, although I hated being pregnant.  

Matthew remained in a frank breech position and unturned, he suffered a stroke in utero. I was never told of any problems. My son was born and after a short minute, he and my husband were taken to another hospital. My poor husband.  He would bring me pictures of my baby. I never suspected anything until the doctors called and one evening, 2 days after I returned home, the neonatoligist called for an update. I can remember hanging up and making my way back into the other room and I sat down and looked at my husband and asked his what was going on. 

I demanded that he take me to the hospital. He tried to talk me out of it, but in my heart they were keeping something from me and I needed to make sure that my baby was okay. I walked into this room and there is this baby with tubes and wires. I was looking for mine when a counselor said that I could touch him. I nearly collapsed.  However, I still didn't know the depths and would not find this out for another week when my girlfriend drove me to the hospital.  While I am content, holding and rocking my son, the doctor enters.  I am directed to a desk and he proceeds to talk about my son's stroke.  The room begins to spin when he realizes I was never informed, which he proceeds to do while they are getting my husband to the hospital. I remember feeling like I had given birth to someone that would have no place in society. 

The range of possibilities was vast, but we were given immediate access to support through Harbor Regional Center in Torrance, California and intervention began almost immediately. Although he was delayed, I felt we had a chance.  Then I had to take him to the doctor for baby shots. He just kept crying. I was trying to comfort him and I remember Montel Williams had a show on autism and the MMR shot.  I looked at my son and knew. I don't know how, I just did.

Eventually Matthew would have many diagnoses, none of which I believed, including sociopath. I kept searching for a qualified doctor that would help and I found him in Dr. Bruce Gale in Beverly Hills, California.   Over the next 3 months, he evaluated Matthew and his conclusion was Autism/Asperger's. Finally, I had what I needed to get my child help, but what did that mean?

Although we know more now about autism than we did then, help was a costly fight and a draining task. In the mean time, the strain was on our marriage. We lived as roommates, although I loved this man I missed the closness we once shared.  When I decided to leave, my heart was screaming just say it "don't go" and I will stay forever, but those words never came. He always wanted his freedom to do whatever he wanted.  I always wanted a family and we weren't important enough. 

That brings me to Hot Springs, Arkansas. I found an attorney that hammered out an IEP that ensured my son's services , and luckily I was in area that has the resouces for his services. But I find myself alone and depressed, especially that my ex was able to so easily move on and remarry, while I live a constant life of tears and frustration. Doctors, behavorist, therapist--how was I going to support him? I knew I needed to be here for him and when I couldn't find a job, I knew I needed to go to school and do what in my heart I knew I needed to do. So, I am currently a Junior at HSU working towards my Masters in Special Education.

Life is hard and I have little support. My son appears to have savantism in the area of music, but I can't find a music teacher that will teach him. He has no friends. He is 12, but upon testing, he is 6, with an IQ of 68. I don't trust my IEP team anymore and feel that my son is not receiveing the education he should be. I don't want him just to be pushed through. I want to give him a chance to catch up, but I am beaten down.  The idea that my son's potential is nothing infuriates me because I see in him so much more than what others see. 

I am tired of being embarassed about my son's quirkiness. I hate it when people look at me with those looks and at times I hate me! I took my son to the doctor. I allowed him to be given those shots. I don't even think my son is receiving a quality education anymore and I can't get anyone to just hear me- listen to my fears- hear my voice. I don't want pity. I don't need it. I don't feel sorry for myself because Matthew is my hero. He is the most wonderful thing I ever did with my life- but my life is always going to be limited because his needs will always come first. And although I have made sure that his father is a huge part of his everyday life, I am still deeply hurt that the one person that I didn't have to explain things to, the one person that loves Matthew unconditionally threw us to the side for his new life. I can say without a doubt that Matthew is the one person that I would walk away from anything for. He is my life, although I have a daughter that I love just as much.

Matthew will always be my hero. I am angry that very little support is offered here to parents of children with autism. As a student at HSU, I also feel that teachers should be trained in the area specifically to autism, not just all exceptional children,because not two autistic chilren are the same. I do feel beaten, alone, and depressed, but I know that my job is to ensure that my son gets a chance in this life. What resourses are available for parents like me that just need someone to listen to my concerns and make sure that my son is receiving the education he is entitled too? What resourses are available in Arkansas that I might tap into? I would appreciate any help you can give me.