How many of you parents have ever been embarassed to take your autistic child out in public? Do you find yourself just staying at home because you never know if your child is going to have a meltdown when you try to do something as simple as going out to eat? 

Have you ever been on the receiving end of comments like these:  "Do you ever discipline your child?" "Can't you make your child sit down/be quiet/stop climbing on you/not talk so loudly/stop moving his body?" and my personal favorite, "It would only take me about ten minutes to get that kid under control." This summer while on vacation, my son was annoying a family sitting near us in a restaurant. The tables were very close together and I was doing my best to stop his annoying behavior. I turned around to apologize to the family.  Just as I was starting to explain that my son has an autism disorder, the man stopped me and said, "I don't give a s***!!"  He then asked to move his family as though he was afraid that his children might catch what mine had. As he got up, I said to him, "that's a great example you are setting for your family."

Parents of autistic children are not bad parents, nor are we in denial about our children. While our kids may look perfectly "normal" to you because they don't have a physical disability or a deformity that you can see, it doesn't mean that they are just "bad kids who need discipline." There are many times when I've wanted to say to someone who clearly found me to be an incompetent parent, "You must be some sort of autism expert, so please go ahead if you think you can do a better job." I know one mom who had business cards printed that she handed out when people stopped to stare at her child when he had a meltdown in a public place.  The cards said, "My child has autism. He is not just having a tantrum because I won't buy him something." Most people receiving these cards scurried off and didn't hang around to watch any longer.

Back to restaurants--they are a stimulating environment.  Waiters are walking around, dishes and pans are clanging, glasses are sometimes being dropped and broken, numerous tables of people are carrying on conversations and talking loudly or laughing.  Often there are tvs blaring that are turned to different channels or there is background music playing. Autistic kids don't do well when they are over-stimulated.  This doesn't mean that an autistic child can never sit in a restaurant without having a meltdown, but they are unlikely to be sitting still and quietly coloring pictures on their place mats. It also doesn't mean that parents of autistic children should never be able to go to a restaurant for a meal with their child.

We know that when we go out to eat that our children do not like flames, so we don't go to restaurants where the kitchen is visible to the seating area and the kids can see flames being used to cook. We already know that flames are going to upset them. Similarly, they don't like balloons because they are afraid the balloons will pop and while that noise may be mildly irritating to us (if we even notice it), it can sound like a grenade going off to an autistic child.

I'm often tempted to make an announcement when we enter a restaurant--something like, "Folks, we're here to have dinner. We just want to let you know up front that our kids have autism in case you want to leave. Please remember to tip your waiter if you decide to get your meal to go."

I don't set out to ruin anyone else's meal. I always remind my children that eating out is special and that they cannot disturb other people who are in the restaurant because they have spent money to have a relaxing time and to not have to cook. I also know that it is fairly likely that despite that warning that sometime during the meal, my kids may do something that annoys someone like kicking the back of their booth, talking too loudly, standing up in the booth, throwing something, or any number of annoying things. Still, I don't intend to be a prisoner in my own home and if the kids never go out in public, they will never learn the proper behavior and self-control. If my children are too disruptive, we leave. However, if the annoyance to others is minor, then I say, "pass the salt, please."